I always pictured myself being the best dad ever. But it turns out there are things about parenting that I just really don’t like. I am not talking changing diapers or being human Kleenex either. That’s the job I signed up for and I am cool with it. It is some of this other stuff that you just don’t realize is going to drive you crazy until you get there.
For example, I will never know what kind of music is cool again. How can I when I am never allowed to control the radio? It’s always kids stations on the satellite in the car. I don’t know, I think it is creepy hearing children sing the lyrics of some of these songs out right now. Then there are the times my wife uses the Bluetooth to play the kids’ obnoxious movie soundtracks and stuff. Even when they aren’t in the car, I will catch myself mumbling along to some horrendous song about getting dressed. What’s happening to me? I used to go to concerts. I used to hear about bands even before they got on the radio. Now unless Kidz Bop does it, I’m never going to hear it.
The kids have also killed fast food for me. I don’t know how. But I would way rather sit around and have some baked chicken and some broccoli than nuggets and fries. It could be because if left up to them, it is what we would eat every single day and I don’t lose the weight quite as fast as I did when I was in high school. But it could also be because of those giant germ factories known as kiddie play areas. I will probably get pink eye just thinking about it. I think places like that keep Lysol in business. I have nightmares thinking about what’s in the carpet there. And although it is called fast food, it is anything but when my kids are involved. We have to go to the playland or else there is whining and screaming. In the amount of time it takes to wear them down, grab the food and come home, my wife could have cooked a nutritious five-course meal.
I also don’t understand the point of a lot of kids’ games. Angry birds? I don’t understand this idea behind birds and green pigs. How does this promote physics? What am I missing? I realize this is the first nail in the coffin for me. Being terrible at apps is an early warning sign. I am a couple steps away from not being able to operate any new technology. I will be that parent who needs written instructions on how to operate the remote. And I am a GUY. We are supposed to be better than that. But I am totally the guy that has to ask my kids to get my apps to stop wiggling around. I tell myself that it is because the kids have more free time to figure this stuff out and that I really don’t care. That is much easier to swallow than me getting old.
I guess all that is left for me is to start wearing khaki shorts with black socks and sandals, right?